Kisses from Heaven

I should be working on the newsletter for my moms group (yes, we have a support group) instead I am writing about Kisses from Heaven.

I can already look back and see many mistakes I have made even though I am just 30; some were made out of circumstance as it can be hard to tell what you are looking at until you have a chance to back away and some just plain stupidity. I never wanted to have children until well into my thirties. The intention had always been to go to college, finish college well educated, get a good job, have a great career and maybe squeeze in a family a little closer to forty than I am now. I graduated high school and moved close to 1,500 miles away from home. I knew I needed away from the craziness of my home if this plan was going to work. The first semester went really well. Second semester my mom started calling daily and sometimes more. Less than 6 months later I was returning home. I went back to school and worked while back at my parent’s house but things were spiraling so out of control I didn’t feel I could even be a good protection barrier for my younger siblings anymore. I worked 2 jobs and moved out with a friend of a friend. I took some classes here and there until my younger sister came to live with me. By then I had found my way into Technical Writing and was making a decent living for a 20 year old without a college degree. My sister came to live with me when I was 22. Shortly after my paternal grandmother who lived less than 10 miles away was told she only had months to live. I had left school for what should have been just a hiatus and spent time with the grandmother who I needed to get to know. The afternoon before a work Christmas party I got a call from my father asking if I would like to meet him for dinner. I hadn’t talked to my father in almost a year. I dropped everything to meet him. He moved into the condominium I had bought less than a month before upon my instance that he didn’t live out of his car anymore. At the time he was an executive that made over six figures but my mom kept all the money. I am not a saint and still, at times, have trouble not being resentful but I took this on of my own accord. I can intellectually understand what being an abused spouse can do to ones reasoning abilities yet it is hard as a child that so desperately wants a parent to protect them. Within two years of my father living with me I needed him to move out. My parents divorce was dragging, my grandmother though not recovered, amazingly, was hanging on at every ounce of life she could sometimes I think to help keep me sane. The day of her funeral there was a message on my machine from a guy I dated a couple of times the year before. We went out the next week. My dad moved into my grandparent’s home, as it was across the street from his work. A year later I ended up pregnant with Kevin. Our marriage, I like to joke, lasted less than the honeymoon. When I had found out I was pregnant with Kevin the doctor had asked me if I wanted to terminate the pregnancy. To me that was never an option. Adoption was an option in my mind and I thought long and hard about it but could not bring myself to it, something deep with in me told me that it wouldn’t be easy but it would be okay. Ten hours of labor, a lot of drugs and three weeks early Kevin was born in the summer of the new millennium. I held him for the first 42 hours without putting him down except when the nurses forced me to for his routine exams. He started babbling right away. Kevin had tons of family that fell in love with him right away. His dad was proud to have a boy but still hardly around. He went to the bar the day we came home from the hospital. I don’t think I even waited up for him. We finally went our separate ways while Kevin was just a few months old. I thought I would be condemned to a life of single parenting. Just as the papers were being processed though the court system, at work, my female cube mate moved and was replaced with Mr. I Am Way Too Smart. Really, I didn’t like him one bit. I had worked with him before he sat next to me. His intelligence was very apparently way beyond mine and he had no time for little minds like mine that couldn’t comprehend the code he was speaking in. Then his boss put him on a committee with me and moved him next to me. When I first found I was drawn to him it seemed so strange. As we worked closer together I found that he made me feel special and beautiful. He held me when I cried. He cried that he even had me to hold. He loved Kevin and wanted to be a father to him. It seems that someone says the word marriage and I seem to get pregnant. While planning our October wedding we found out little Scotty was on the way. The wedding moved to July. Why can’t anything ever go as planned? I was so frustrated at this point and very upset at God when really it had been my own poor decision. I had been on the pill but really didn’t he say wait until marriage? Apparently he really meant it for me and I hadn’t listened at least twice! Despite this, I know my boys are gifts.

Life has stopped the spiral of craziness; my dad recently married a woman that treats him well and he loves deeply. I have not seen him this happy, ever. My sister went on to graduate from college and is now working towards reaching her dreams. My youngest sister attends church with me every Sunday and spends lots of time with her nephews when she isn’t at cosmetology school. Now life isn't perfect but much more sane.

Both of my boys are very affectionate but especially the youngest. Scotty says “Thank you mommy’ just for putting on his socks for him. Sometimes after bedtime stories we snuggle and he showers me with kisses I think because I stayed a little longer. They are kisses from Heaven. I know, through my little boy, God is letting me know despite everything that has gone wrong love can conquer it if we just stay strong. He has sent me the most precious reminder, kisses from heaven.
Copyright 2005