1989

We were all watching the Cosby Show, Who’s the Boss?, and L.A Law. It was also the year Lucille Ball passed away and U.S. jury convicted Oliver North in Iran-Contra affair. Def Leopard was big on the local radio, my hair required lots of hair spray, and my mom had me convinced my fine hair required a perm and I looked better as a blonde. It was also beginning of a defining age for me. Other than hair, midway through my 14th year I had started rebelling against my parents in almost every form I could.

Until that point I had been caught between two worlds, my family’s Mormonism and trying to fit in my public school. Somehow I never managed to fit within the ideal Mormon precincts, but as it is easy to do and I did find a way to fit in at school.

I was born a strong headed girl who also wanted to please her parents so much. It was such an internal battle within my mind until 14. That year I ‘went with’ my first boyfriend; and my first kiss. He was a year older than me and as far as I could tell, popular with the ladies. I wasn’t supposed to date until 16 but managed to find loop holes in my parent’s, and the church's, rules. I usually saw him at chaperoned events, which we managed to find weekly. We ‘went with each other’ (a.k.a. ‘go steady’, but we would have never use that terminology) for 6-8 months, I can’t remember exactly, but it was a long time for someone that age. We only kissed, life was so much simpler. For someone who had been an very awkward, the end of middle school was shaping up. I had grown to my current height by then and weighed in at 100 lbs. Shortly after ‘breaking up’, my freshman year of high school, 14 to 15, I managed to sneak out on a regular weekend basis. Once I stole my dad’s car to aid my girlfriend in running away from her crazy divorced parents, and I also tried my first beer, but not the two at the same time. Yet, perhaps by grace, somehow I managed to stay away from things like drugs. It’s not like I didn’t run into them, I was sneaking out of the house and going to parties we really shouldn’t have been at, but I never tried drugs. My parents, especially my mom, always thought I was out there doing these really wild things, but I wasn’t as bad as she accuses me of being. In all honesty I just wanted to hang out and I wanted to be away from my parents, it was a bit of finding out whom I was and it was a bit of an escape. This had also been the year that my mom’s neurosis really started to become apparent to me. I needed an escape that wouldn’t change the chemical composition of my mind.

That brief moment of my life taught me that I had a rebellious spirit that really didn’t want to harm myself or others. I also learned that I had to try in school. Within the year of rebelliousness my grades fell to their worst because I never studied. I learned I have to study; knowledge doesn’t come easy to me. After that year of pushing the limits, I found a better outlet in an actually getting good grades and an after school job that gave me some much needed confidence.

But that rebellious spirit will always be apart me.

My husband and I are back to an aperture in our marriage. We go through times like these a little more than a couple times a year. Time is making it easier to deal with; age is allowing me wisdom not to be too dramatic about these rifts that I don’t quite understand yet. I also now know it is not the end of the world. But it does feel really lonely and cold during these times. I want to find a way to still find laughter together during these times and I don’t think it is possible for him to want to be anymore far away from me. We can’t talk during these times because he says is nothing changes so therefore there is nothing to talk about. I can’t help but think we are selling ourselves short. I  reassure myself that he will eventually come out of this funk.

It is also these times I tend to spend more time away from the house. I take the kids to my parents more often, or find things to keep us busy away from him. Lately I have found myself starting to think about taking the kids all the way cross country by myself for a long weekend. (I don't know if I will actually do it.) There is a zoo out west that I visited a few years ago and I know my kids would love it. A friend of mine has a place nearby that is sitting empty right now. I also have enough frequent flyer miles for the trip. I feel guilty, but don’t really want my husband to come with us; I want a break from his snide comments he casually slips into conversations every now and then; his coldness and the disappointment that radiants from him anytime we are in the same room together. Maybe it would be nice to include him, a break maybe he needs himself, but right now I don’t like the thought of including him.

I wish my rebellious soul would just rest and I could put my pride aside.

Why I Hate Comcast

I feel like the cable company (Comcast) has a monopoly in my area. There is little to no other choice, aside from Dish Network, for cable out here. It is even worse for high speed internet because there is no alternative. I feel so sucked into giving them my hard earned money. This whole thing starts a little over a week ago when I called to order service. I was having trouble getting phone service set up because the previous owners had Talk America and apparently Talk America does a soft shut off so the service isn’t turned off at the box like the phone company I wanted to go with requires. So I asked for phone service along with the high speed internet from Comcast thinking company ABC wasn’t ever going to be able to turn my phone service on the old fashion way. Late last week I FINALLY got phone service. So I called Comcast to cancel my phone service order, but said I still needed the high speed internet. I thought I was very clear about it. Sure enough the lady who took my call screwed it up and canceled the internet and not the phone.

Great! I spent most of yesterday getting the run around and being told it would take another week to get me service. I need internet acess for my job. I only go into the office two days a week. I am expected to keep up with my email and messages during the week days I am not in the office. SO the guy from Comcast, Percy, tells me they will be out at 4:00 that day to hook me up. No one shows up. I figure I better call by 4:30 because within the next half an hour no one will be there. I find out that I was really scheduled for the next day, between 9:30-12:30 at some point someone will show up at my house. If I hadn’t called how as I to know someone was going to be at my house? I am to the point I ask to talk to a supervisor and I am raising my voice on the phone. All I was given was apologies and lots of time (about 1 hr) of being on hold and being told I don’t know why anyone would tell you 4:00 that day. And apparently the next day wasn’t scheduled correctly, so if I hadn’t called I would have had an appointment for service but no one would have shown up?!? If I didn’t have to use them at this point, I wouldn’t!!!!!!

The cables guys showed up today at 12:15ish. They installed the cable internet line in the office, but didn’t have the start up CD. It appears to be okay because apparently I can do it online myself. Cable guy #1 says he can do it but it will cost me more money. Theses guys had been just walking into and out of my house without announcing themselves. At one point they drove down the street and climb up a telephone poll, then came back and just walked right in. “Really, I want to give your company more money?!?” I thought. I had Cable guy #1 reassure me I could do it on my own. The minute he left I got an error and had to call tech support to find out my modem hadn’t been registered all the way. The tech support lady was nice and helpful, even friendly which is more than I have gotten from anyone at Comcast to this point. When I was done with the tech questions I asked her about my bill. I was told I was going to be paying the $19.99 a month special they had been running on TV. The bill I was left with today said $42.99. So she has to transfer me to sales.

Great, fabulous, I just LOVE spending more time on the phone! The lady proceeded to question 'who told me I was getting $19.99 special?' and I told her the lady who originally took my order, 'doesn't your company track that?!?'. I said I had seen it on TV and had requested it. Then the sales lady proceeded to tell me that I am paying the $19.99. I asked then why does the bill I was left with today say $42.99? She goes on to say on my bill there should be a $23 discount. “BUT THERE ISN’T ONE ON THE BILL!” I stated sternly. I just want to kick something, but don't. She then tells me I can call any of the other reps if I don’t believe her. I asked to speak to a manager and the request was ignored. I was belittled when I asked why anyone isn’t trying to make me happy? All I was getting was a lot of being put on hold and screw ups. I am a very unhappy costumer. She asks me what I want. Not in a kind way at all either. I honestly felt like she was trying to start a fight with me. I got off the phone and cried. How can a company be so ill managed, rude and disrespectful and be so profitable? Probably because there is no other choice.

I had no idea.....

I had no idea that it is going to take months, possible years to settle into our new home. I had no idea that my darling children would choose this time to test every ounce of patience I have. My two-year-old’s new thing is to run up and hit his older brother and then run away giggling. There is now frequent wrestling matching in the midst of all the boxes and I have trouble telling the difference between playing and a fight. I had no idea that my husband could start so many projects and then leave them half finished along with tools all over the place. Really, I was this clueless.!!!!!