Mom’s Black Leather Dress

On my 11^th birthday my parents brought home a 7 pound and a few ounces baby girl.  She is my second little sister, my fourth sibling, the baby of the family.  It was a beautiful summer day outside.  At eleven years old, as I peered over the rails of the crib that day  -- at yet another sibling that probably would get majority of the attention, in a house where attention was in short supply, it was apparent to me that I had two choices.

The choice was I could either resent her or love her. I choose to love her. It was the first time I consciously choose to squelch jealously as best I could. That day, as I looked at my sleeping baby sister,  I made a promise. “I will love you the best way I know how.” 

Over 20 years later, we have times where we are close and times where we are off doing our own things, living our own lives. I think she knows she has a foundation built on love, as I hope all of my younger siblings feel.  I was just too young when they came home to know I was making a choice. My love hasn’t always been perfect. I have done hurtful things to them as we grew up. That’s the beauty of family, they are the testing grounds. If we are wise we will learn how to love better through them.

So, you’re probably wondering what does this have to do moms black leather dress?

I love to wear dresses. I’m a girl, and there are moments I like to embrace that and be girly.  It is the feminine side of me that I like and enjoy.  Read into it how you want. But in the end, you could over analyze why some people just like to wear jeans or anything else and still just be judging on part of the picture.

I came across an interesting dress last year at a little boutique. It’s very modestly cut, goes to just above my knees and has two thick straps defining the scoop neck. It is tailored to fit perfectly. The top part is tweed and, just a few inches above the waist to my knees, leather. It’s edgy and conservative all at the same time.

“I don’t like that dress, mom” my middle son bluntly told me as he looked me up and down after work. I understood. In that dress, some man might be attracted to me. He knew that and the best way he had to tell me was I don’t like that on you.

He, nor I, would not be doing the right thing for each other if we shut out the world, not taking the risk of letting anyone else in.  Taking those risks are hard and risky, but also offer the most growth if we are lucky.

Someday, probably sooner that I would like, there will be someone (outside of his circle of friends)  that he wants/desires to spend time with. Someone he is attracted to; someone that he hopefully loves with an understanding people and relationships are apart of the beauty of life. I hope my son quickly learns how to love and let go at the same time. I know within that closeness and space all at once there is courage and an opportunity to be, and become, who we want to be. And to also see our loved ones grow in that same light.

So that black leather dress represents to my son that I am not just his. Just a part of me is his. And just as I am not completely his, neither is he completely mine.  I am here to give him a firm foundation in love, teach him to go out confidently in this world  - even though there will be good and there will be bad. People will hurt him, and some will love him.  He will experience beauty in all of its forms as he lives his life, and I know there there will be moments where life seems cruel. But my prayer for him is that he sees the beauty within himself first and knows who he is above all else with conviction.

I think that’s the funny thing about romantic love too.  I see so many people get it wrong, and just a few get it right. Clearly, I haven’t gotten it right yet either – or as I like to think – I just haven’t found the right one who understands I am not a possession and nor is he. But from my experience, love is not a proprietorship, and when it is treated as like a possession it is tinged with ugliness,  having shallow roots riddled with insecurity.  Love that builds the best foundations is forgiving, understanding of imperfections, strives to become better, gives space when it is needed (the pruning part so things can grow), sees the possibility in the other, is capable of being catalyst that launches one another to become better thus bringing what is possible to fruition.   This is the greatest gift we all have to give one another.

In Isaiah 32 verse 17, “The fruit of the righteous will be peace; its effect will be quietness and confidence forever.”

…..“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
 1 Corinthians 13

Learning to Have Faith in Myself, Others & Divine Intervention

“I want to run a marathon… someday.” I found myself telling my new neighbor (who had run a marathon) that it was on my bucket list. I spoke those words to him before my son spent almost a year in the hospital fighting cancer; it was 4 years before I knew I could run a mile, then 2, then 5, and after a lot of work -- 20 miles. It was years before I was aware that I might have a capacity far beyond what I had ever recognized.  I had no clue how, or when, I was going to run a marathon; I knew nothing about training, or if I was even capable.  At that moment, I was far from that goal. But I knew I wanted to.

Faith was something spoken about (a lot) in church while I was growing up, and even now in the new church I go to. But the concept of ‘faith’ is something I am just starting to get. I am not completely sure if it was faith that brought me to the finish line that October morning. But I’m growing more certain it was my introduction into what ‘faith’ means.

After a year battling my son’s cancer, I was helping to set up for a Moms to Moms sale with some of my friends who had been my pillars of strength. As we talked about my desire to play soccer again, one of them encouraged me and said she would help me start a woman’s over 30 team. She had never played, but she said she would try. Shortly after, we both started telling almost every woman we knew that we were starting a team and looking for players. A friend of a friend told this girl, Jen.  Jen joined our team, and a few months into it Jen and I started meeting at the gym to work out. One early morning, we started talking about running a marathon. I still did not run at this point anything more than a 3 minute warm up before doing weights or short sprints on the soccer field. We decided that morning to run a marathon together. We started training for the training that week.  It was February and we had to June to get into running shape to start the rigorous training running a marathon takes.  She encouraged me, kept me going when I wanted to quit. She motivated me to get up early when I really didn’t want to. She forgave me when I couldn’t make it for one reason or another. We kept going.  We crossed the finish line, holding hands.  Looking back now, I have faith a higher power – along with Jen’s love and help, and a little of my own determination – got me to and across that finish line.

It takes faith to believe in the good in people, especially when I find disappointment and have to look past it.  It takes faith to be patient and wait for what I have been longing for.  It takes faith to love people who aren’t that certain about love, including myself. It takes faith that if I try to do something good in this world, it will actually make a difference.

  

Sometimes my ability to keep faith fails me, and I don’t have faith in people who I should. And those times, I so appreciate my good friends and family who forgive me. But I have also have tried to have faith in people I shouldn’t, and those were huge lessons that it still is taking time to heal from.

It is a huge walk in faith that I will be able to do more than just provide for my children and myself while I try to finish school. I didn’t have this faith in myself, nor God, when I was younger. I just saw a huge bill and no way to pay it, even though the diploma was really what I wanted.  This time I have faith it will somehow get done.

Why Fundraisers Matter

September is Childhood Cancer awareness month. And I try not to overwhelm my friends and family with the message. But that doesn't mean it doesn't matter to me - it completely does matter. I wrote the following for a cancer fundraiser this past weekend.  Towards the end I explain why I feel this matters.

January 26th 2008. After months of chasing dead ends, Kevin's 'headaches' were becoming unbearable to watch.  Finally, when I couldn't watch him suffer anymore,  called my friend in tears, and asked her to go to the ER at Children's Hospital with me ---because I was taking Kevin in and I knew i was preparing for a fight.  A few years before she had lost her husband to a cancerous brain tumor -- Carole had been the voice that reassured me I wasn't crazy - Kevin's headaches were not normal.

After 4 hours of begging for a ct scan or an MRI -- Carole and I convinced the ER doctor to get a neuro team to come down and evaluate Kevin.  They saw one of Kevin's sudden headaches first hand. I think they knew right away.  They ordered that MRI I had been asking for immediately.   The scan showed a golf ball sized tumor at the back of his brain. I will never forget the doctor who had to say to me, "your son has a brain tumor. We have to do emergency brain surgery to drain the fluid that has been building up --  the pressure in his brain is dangerously high. He could have a stroke at any minute. Once we have the pressure stabilized in a few days, we will have to operate again to remove the tumor.” Within minutes --- I found myself living every parents nightmare.

Kevin didn't leave Children's hospital until 4 weeks later.  But Kevin did leave walking, talking and with little obvious consequence--- other than a bad hair cut-- of the brain surgeries. The 5th floor nursing staff along with the Dr.’s work were amazing. Kevin's determination to be normal and not let this hold him back is amazing. The people who surrounded us with love, prayers and support were huge blessings.

Kevin has had to endure 33 treatments of radiations to his head and spine, 4 week long rounds of in patient high dosage chemo that took 5 months for him to make it through, because if he went through it without 3 weeks to recover between rounds it, would have killed him. But just 25 years ago all of this wouldn't have even been an option-- the likelyhood of him making it through alive were much less without the advances in pediatric cancer treatment that have been made in the most recent decades.

That year has changed me as a person. I will never be the same again. I have had to watch my new friends lose their children, and watch those children suffer horrible deaths.

I know we are only one story in many.

I have seen the best in human nature  -- from those who supported my family through that terrible ordeal, and people like you  -- and the worst of nature, in what cancer does to a person’s body.

Us, cancer moms and dads speak out, not because it will do much for our kids, we are already in it. There is no turning the clock back – but we take that pain and focus it with hopes our voices and effort will make a difference for someone else.

World wide a child is diagnosed with cancer every 2 minutes.

 We have seen an overall increase of 21% in the last 36 years in kids being Dx with cancer.

But, through improvements in --treatment and detection. For leukemia and most other pediatric cancers--survivorship is at 80%  as opposed to 50% in the 1970’s.

Kevin, my son, is proof that  efforts like today are not in vain.  Contributions from fundraisers like this today help to improve treatments and improve the lives of kids who will face this in the future.  Rallying the team works, and every small contribution helps.  We still have a long way to go -- together we are making progress.  Yet I know first hand, there are kids still not making it, lots of them --and in honor of them and their brief lives we need to keep pressing on so more parents can tell a story like mine.

 Thank you for coming together --hopefully today's efforts will save the life of another child, like my son.

The Importance of Love -- for our Health

I have this powerful memory of my (then) 7 year old son, in a hospital gown, with blood still stuck in his baby-fine sandy blond hair left from brain surgery earlier that week.  It was dark outside and our family was gathered around him, trying to keep his spirits up as he fought the pain.  Along with the monitors, creamy white walls and pastel privacy curtains, we were also surrounded by a ton of little stuffed animals and gifts from family, friends, church and even strangers.  There, in the middle of his 5th floor hospital room, in a uncomfortably hard -- but sturdy -- chair I watched as my son struggle to sit upright for the first time since his surgery. He sat and started to read the cards his classmates made for him that someone had dropped off while he was sleeping.  I will forever remember the happiness, love and the warmth I saw fill his tired soul as he read those simple handmade cards from his second grade classmates. One of the little girls even signed her name with 'Love, so-and-so'. In that moment the struggle to sit upright got a little less as he went on to read  (and giggled at) the jokes  the boys wrote and the kind words from the rest of the girls. 

The cards and all other little mementos of positive thoughts, letting him know he was surround by love, were just as important to his healing as anything else we were doing. They gave him power I couldn't alone; the doctor's couldn't, nor could his dad alone. It was almost a years' worth of months that accumulated a collective effort to not just heal Kevin through modern medicine, but also through love. I believe it worked. 


Since then, I have believed strongly that love can heal physical ailments and mental anguish. And science is proving it (love it when really smart people prove me right). An article in Scientific American this past July talks about how healthy relationships increase survival up to 50%. It mentions that, "Social support has been linked to lower blood pressure, and a diverse collection of contacts is associated with better immune system functioning. The list continues to grow, she says, now encompassing other bodily processes such as wound healing and inflammation."   


In a 2005 Newsweek article, Dr. Dean Ornish, author of The Spectrum also the founder and president of the Preventive Medicine Research Institute said, "… love and intimacy are at the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well. If a new medication had the same impact, failure to prescribe it would be malpractice. Connections with other people affect not only the quality of our lives but also our survival. Study after study find that people who feel lonely are many times more likely to get cardiovascular disease than those who have a strong sense of connection and community."   


There is little control to how your social structure holds up in times of crisis. But what we do have control of is who we decide to be when someone we know is facing a crisis. The outreach and kindness of the community that we live in was also a huge lesson in how to react when I see others facing their times of trial. It is my tendency to want to keep to myself, mostly out of fear of saying something wrong or offending and a bit of fear of having to endure another painful loss. Coupled with it is also so hard for me not to be the shy girl. It takes every ounce of confidence I have to overcome the decades of being initially shy. Now more than ever I see the importance of overcoming this. 

Love is complicated. 


In a newspaper a while back, within the Sexetera advice column, a person wrote in asking if they should end a relationship that had just begun because in the fall the guy returns to school. Mia's response I thought was adroit, "Let the relationship play itself out. If you two are meant to be together, it'll last and if you're not, well, at least you saw it coming. If you're smart, you'll enjoy getting to know this guy but not invest too many emotions until you see where things are heading. One way to do this is by investing in your own future as well as a potential love affair. Why not? He's looking out for himself by furthering his education. I hope you're doing the same." Steve, the other writer for the column asked, "What is wrong with getting hurt?" 


The point is that healthy, good, complex friendships and relationships are collectively a part of the happiness formula and a healthy life. There is a challenge and an art to balancing and blending a life with other adults. Throw in some kids and we are knitting a complicated design. It seems to me, if it all is handled with enough compassion and understanding, sprinkled with just the right amount of independence and dependence that our relationships with others have the capability to extend our lives, to keep us, and our loved ones, living healthy…. maybe even greater than anything else we do to improve our health. 

I recently had a nightmare about one of my children drowning. I woke up still feeling the loss even though that child is the one who woke me up from that dream. (I can't say he isn't wearing a life jacket even when he takes a bath.... Just sort of kidding.)   Loving anyone, even our own children, can make even the strongest of people feel vulnerable. 


There is an inherit risk when we give something  (or fear the loss). But most especially when what is given is something as precious as the influential emotion, love. I think it is interesting studies show when we don't (wisely) take that risk and say, "What's wrong with getting hurt?" we actually hurt ourselves more in the long run. How ironic.      

  
Articles referenced in this post: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=relationships-boost-survival
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9466931/site/newsweek/
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/08/01/AR2010080102508.html?sub=AR
http://www.sanluisobispo.com/2010/07/29/1231774/sexcetera-take-a-chance-on-love.html#ixzz0vW36mmep

Sk8ter Mom

This was written when K was 5 years old, in 2005. I just found this buried in my drafts, its a treasured the memory to me.
---------------------------------------------------

My oldest, who is getting over his fear of our ski boat and the water, finally agreed to go on the boat so mommy could go wakeboarding this afternoon. There was a lot of begging and pleading on my part even get him to step foot on the boat. I must be honest and admit to getting low enough to threaten not to ever take him to his favorite restaurant ever again if he didn’t get on the boat.

You see, I couldn’t go wakeboarding if he didn’t get on the boat, as there was no one to stay home with him. He finally got on the boat. And when I had completed my couple of circles around the lake on my wakeboard, little K informed me, “Mom, it was so cool to see you get big jumps with the skate board. You are so cool.” He calls the wakeboard my skateboard. I guess it does look like a big skate board. Little K's favorite song right now is Sk8ter Boy. We listen to it every morning, and don't tell his friends, but he does sing along. I think he will be a great musician someday if he decides thats what he wants to do.

By the end of our boat trip we were all swimming in the lake. Little K and his younger brother were jumping off the back of the boat and having a great time. I am sure my coolness will wear off by tomorrow, when I am not so hip about either of the boys leaving a mess around the house, but that moment when my son seemed to start to understand a little of what makes his mom different was awesome experience.

One Moms Take on Health Care Reform...Where Did th...

With Health Care Reform at the mercy of the Supreme Court, one of my older posts with my thoughts on the subject.

1 Womans Journey: One Moms Take on Health Care Reform...Where Did th...: 1 in 2 men will battle some form of cancer in their lifetime, 1 in 3 women will face cancer in their lifetime (1).   In other words, if ...

Imperfect, Fallible and Human

Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair but manifestations of strength and resolution. -- K. Gibran




April Epner: I know what I did to you, to you in particular. Kinda worst nightmare kind of thing, right? I knew that. Even at the time I knew that. 
Frank: What else? 
April Epner: I'll do it again, I will, I'll hurt you again and again. Not like that, you'd have to leave me if I hurt you like that. If we were together you would leave me if I hurt you like that again, wouldn't you? 
Frank: Yes. Yes, I would. 
April Epner: Good. But I'll hurt you in other ways, little ways, I won't mean to but I will. And sometimes I will mean to. 
Frank: This is quite an offer you've worked out. 
April Epner: You'll hurt me too, you know. You'll hurt me and change on me, you might even leave me after you promise you won't, how about that? 
Frank: I wouldn't. 
April Epner: But you might. 
Frank: But I wouldn't. 
April Epner: But... you might. 
Frank: Yeah, I guess I might. 

We are in the midst of the holiday season. It is a time for gatherings with family and friends -- holiday dinners and parties, shopping -- all of which typically requires lots social interaction. I chose the quote (above) from the movie “Then She Found Me” because in the (somewhat awkward) scene between Helen Hunt and Colin Firth,  April's words depict what happens naturally in the course of all close personal relationships; be it friendships, family or romantic.  Sometimes letting go is the right decision when we find a person who is not positive and supportive majority of the time.  But, sometimes, an understanding of  natural human tendency to be fallible softens the blow when others behavior, actions (or mistakes) isn’t the most comfortable feeling in the moment and can cause our autonomic nervous system (ANS) light up the fight or flight feeling. It is those moments where not being primitive animals that automatically respond to our biological impulses is important and let reasoning set in.

According to Dr. Daniel Amen “the people you spend time with determine your longevity”.  I attribute my father’s stroke to the social stress he dealt with for decades, coupled with genetics.  He did not have a spouse who was supportive and loving for majority of his life, nor close friends or family to help ease the problems him and my mother faced.  I am happy that seems to have now changed.  Science has proven social isolation is as dangerous as smoking.

Positive social interaction requires understanding and an ability to be benevolent to one another, and show it through our actions and words. It is thought that our “feeling side” of our brain is the primitive part of our brain and the rational part is the apart of the newly (relative to millions of years) part of our brain.    I find using science to help me understand what maybe lying behind my loved ones behavior helps me step away from taking it personal and empowers me to try react better.  Oddly (or maybe not) science  is helping me learn how to maintain relationships through the sticky stuff; to stick it out as I -- and my loved ones -- each evolve, grow and change, as long as the relationships have a predominately positive foundation. Having a scientific understanding (via psychology tests and functional MRI’s) of my son’s brain helps me and his teachers cater his education to what we know his strengths and weaknesses are. We know that he is near genius in vocabulary, but that his processing speed is on the low end of average. This could cause him to come off as being lazy, when it is really his brain catching up and it needs a little more time.  He has an amazing way of communicating, but when he is learning something new we know he needs more time than his average peers to work on mastering it. I find this understanding helps me to be patient when it might be more of a challenge to choose to do so.

 As we are moving through the holidays festivities it seems fitting to end this with a popular verse from the bible:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. --1 Corinthians 13 (NIV)

Raising Men: Compassion, Health and Conquering Chronic Disease

I had spent some of my spare time of the first 5 of months of 2011 organizing a team for the Race for the Cure and the day was finally here. Almost 40 people; friends, friends of friends, and family had come together to share a moment, to show solidarity against a disease that touches more women each day. I have yet to be personally affected by the disease, but this is my attempt of paying it forward for all the women who surrounded and carried me and my family through the darkest days of my oldest son’s cancer treatment. 

On that sunny warm spring day in May, the typically almost desolate streets of the Motor City were packed with 40,000 people.   Men, women and children of every race, size, and health level literally filled the streets to come together for mostly women who face this terrible disease.

As we drove home from Detroit, a friend  invited the team  back to her house for a Breast Cancer Walk fundraiser she was hosting at her home later that evening. 

I entered my friends house, the sky was now dark and another successful Race for the Cure was behind me.   As the evening progressed I found a seat with a group of her coworkers sitting at her kitchen table discussing what had trandspired earlier. A white and grey-streaked haired yet youthful faced man, sitting down the table from me, asked something to the affect, “we (society) have no problem coming together for women’s causes or children’s causes, but you would hardly hear of such a thing for men and prostate cancer.” The conversation turned into teaching our boys compassion for themselves and each other, while still encouraging sympathy for female and children issues -- typically known in politics as compassion issues, or social issues.  

I find  myself reflecting on this question in my quiet moments, even now, months later.  I am raising 3 boys who will someday be men.  I only get one chance to instill and reinforce these important human values in them.

That spring turned into summer quickly, and we were on vacation with the ocean waves coming in quick and hard; the August sky foretold of the hurricane still a good distance south of where I played with my three sons along the Atlantic. For a moment, my attention was diverted to a dad with two boys, one about the same age as my oldest (near 11) and the other probably around 5. The dad was encouraging the oldest to push and shove the younger one into the strong waves that were a result of the down coast hurricane. The younger child was clearly frightened. And  I, too,  was concerned.  I gave him an “are you serious?!?” glare for a moment, he then said something about how he was making him stronger.  I just shook my head and went back to playing with my children.  Stronger?!? Perhaps fearful, less compassionate and less trusting is what came to my mind, but I kept my mouth shut.

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary compassion is the sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it.  We all have experienced emotional pain, or some form of suffering at some point. In Dr. James Doty, MD article in the Washington post this past March speaks about how, “It has been stated many times that survival is of the fittest, but when one reads Darwin closely this is not the case. Rather, the more accurate statement, coined by Dacher Keltner, Ph.D. and other leading social scientists, is “the survival of the kindest.”

It is thought that compassion is the means of the genes protecting themselves and making sure they made it into the next generation. Compassion is an important part  of allowing our species to be so great in number. Compassion is what allows us, as a species, to survive in times of struggle. 

Dacher Keltner, professor of psychology at U of C, Berkleley explains the biological basis for compassion, “…Take the loose association of glands, organs, and cardiovascular and respiratory systems known as the autonomic nervous system (ANS). The ANS plays a primary role in regulating our blood flow and breathing patterns for different kinds of actions. For example, when we feel threatened, our heart and breathing rates usually increase, preparing us either to confront or flee from the threat—the so-called “fight or flight” response. What is the ANS profile of compassion? As it turns out, when young children and adults feel compassion for others, this emotion is reflected in very real physiological changes: Their heart rate goes down from baseline levels, which prepares them not to fight or flee, but to approach and sooth.  Then there’s oxytocin, a hormone that floats through the bloodstream. Research performed on the small, stocky rodents known as prairie voles indicates that oxytocin promotes long-term bonds and commitments, as well as the kind of nurturing behavior—like care for offspring—that lies at the heart of compassion. It may account for that overwhelming feeling of warmth and connection we feel toward our offspring or loved ones. Indeed, breastfeeding and massages elevate oxytocin levels in the blood (as does eating chocolate). In some recent studies I’ve conducted, we have found that when people perform behaviors associated with compassionate love—warm smiles, friendly hand gestures, affirmative forward leans—their bodies produce more oxytocin. This suggests compassion may be self-perpetuating: Being compassionate causes a chemical reaction in the body that motivates us to be even more compassionate.” (see reference below for article site)

Gail Underwood Parker, author of the blog 'Upbeats and Downbeats'  explains, "Sympathy is more than recognition. To me, empathy does not require more than dispassionately recognizing and understanding someone else's pain.  Compassion is far more. Compassion means feeling, regretting that pain, and wishing to ease that pain.  Empathy does not seem to require action, but compassion calls for, cries out for action."

When we experience compassion, our vagus nerve is activated. A well reacting vagus nerve is a good ticket our health. It calms us, it slows the heart rate  and it strengthen's our immune system. Research is suggesting  that compassion might be able to slow the aging process by lowering inflammation in the body. Inflammation is thought to be the precursor to many of our chronic diseases like diabetes, cancer, cardiovascular disease, etc. 

Compassion and empathy are innate within the human chemical makeup --  but some conditioned beliefs of communities and/or family culture drive many to mistrust and even at times have disdain for emotions like compassion, empathy and optimism.

Kristin Neff, an associate professor of human development at the University of Texas at Austin and a pioneer in research on self-compassion, says, “I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line.  Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.”

At the beginning of her paper on  The Development and Validation of a Scale to Measure Self-Compassion   the summary  explains, "Self-compassion entails being kind and understanding toward oneself in instances of pain or failure rather than being harshly self-critical; perceiving one’s experiences as part of the larger human experience rather than seeing them as isolating; and holding painful thoughts and feelings in mindful awareness rather than over-identifying with them. Evidence for the validity and reliability of the scale is presented in a series of studies. Results indicate that self-compassion is significantly correlated with positive mental health outcomes such as less depression and anxiety and greater life satisfaction. Evidence is also provided for the discriminant validity of the scale, including with regard to self-esteem measures." (available through Psychology Press)

Compassion is sometimes thought of as a women’s emotion.  The health benefits that a compassionate person reaps from the act of simply being can become apart of our society  if we acknowledge its importance within us and we encourage our youth toward it.

I still question how to show and teach my young boys -- who will be men before I know it -- how to be compassionate toward themselves and other males.  I try to be aware of opportunities (daily) to encourage them to be understanding of each other and themselves.  I try to be an example. Perhaps, in someway, it is selfish of me. I know this will improve their health, improve the communities they choose to settle in and protect the generations far beyond them. 

I am grateful for my dad who shows compassion by his constant drive to want to help,  and for other men like Jeff a active volunteer from our local Camp Quality (a group that helps kids with cancer remember to be kids) and Mark who started Habitate for Hope with his wife and made it their life mission to help families facing a pediatric health crisis. These are just a few I can think of off the top of my head that stand out (in my social circles) as reminders that strong men do know how to be compassionate and I'm not raising weirdos, but heroes,  if I encourage my sons to look to them, and other men like them, as examples. 

I hope to impart on my children that their health and wellness also lie within how well they treat others and themselves.

Ref: http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_compassionate_instinct/

Picture of vagus from http://www.medicalook.com/human_anatomy/organs/Vagus_nerves.html

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=forget-survival-of-the-fittest

http://1womensjourney.blogspot.com/2011/07/view-from-handicap-section.html

Did You Know that January is Manuary - Men Grow Facial Hair Awareness Month?

The list of the causes we should become aware of just the first month of the year is this long:

1. Awareness Month Awareness Month
2. Be On-Purpose Month, National
3. Bird-Feeding Months, National
4. Celebration of Life Month
5. Creativity Month, International - by Randall Munson
6. Clean Up Your Computer Month, National
7. Constipation awareness month,
8. National Drag History Month,
9. National (Established by Logo T.V. to celebrate the history and role of Drag Queens in the LGBT community.)
10. Financial Wellness Month
11. Get Organized Month
12. Glaucoma Awareness Month, National
13. Hot Tea Month, National
14. Mailorder Gardening Month, National - according to the Mailorder Gardening Association
15. Manuary - men grow facial hair
16. Meetings History Month, National
17. Mentoring Month, National (USA)
18. National Clown College Month
19. Oatmeal Month
20. Poverty in America Awareness Month, National - according to the Catholic Campaign for Human
21. Development
22. Radon Action Month, National - US Environmental Protection Agency
23. Self-Help Group Awareness Month - according to the Mental Health Clearinghouse
24. Skating Month, National - according to the U.S. Figure Skating Association
25. Volunteer Blood Donor Month, National

Read more: http://www.disabled-world.com/disability/awareness/awareness-dates.php#ixzz1WfKTdRtY

It was a good idea in its original form otherwise it wouldn’t have gone so viral…all of this monthly awareness stuff.  I need to note that I am not trying to belittle the diseases or the causes that groups are trying to educate us on, some of them are  important.  For example,  it’s important for a woman to be able to do a self-exam. Early dection is  important to teach the public,  it saves lives.  Manuary, well… I appreciate the snicker at the idea when I read it on the list, and I am glad whatever group, or person, thought of that one, are not pushing it too hard.  (I don’t know if this list is complete, so if your cause is not up there it because I am not being through, it is nothing personal.)

I admit I used to turn off the St. Jude infomericals that were on TV (years ago before Kevin was diagnosed).  I tried once to watch one and thought to myself this is too depressing and turned it off.   I tuned out what eventually became my son’s saving grace.  I’m glad other people didn’t make the same choice I did.

I now live in a world where I see other moms post on Facebook about going to their child’s grave to visit, I hear about the newly diagnosed and those who have lived, but also live with the late effects caused by such a terrible disease.  This is my normal. I never imagined it would happen to one of my children.

Today I met more newly diagnosed as we waited for my son's follow-up appointments at St. Jude. As we waited for blood draws for labs, we met one little boy the same age of my youngest  who was diagnosed with Leukemia on my oldest’s birthday. His mom is 9 months pregnant.  My heart just sinks because I have a clue as to how hard the journey is going to be. Treatment is tough and scary. We, parents of kids with cancer, agree to fill our children with poisons, stuff we would normally call poison control for if they ingested, to save our children.  We walk with our children and hold their little hands through hell, praying they make it out alive.

It is hard not to cry at the end of the day here, despite all the amazing things St. Jude does to try to soften the blow. It is a terrible reality of life. And I hate more people are experiencing it.  Cancer knows no socioeconomic status, it knows no one faith or church, it sometimes does single out one community if they don’t protect their environment, but it is completely clueless about race.

This brings me to my quandary. September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.  In a way, it seems like one more thing to fill the air with, something that can be easily tuned out or turned off. I used to do it. It was too sad. So I have asked myself what is the point of making people aware of such a terrible thing? These are the answers I have come up with:

1. If you find yourself or someone you know facing cancer with a newly diagnosed child (God forbid), hopefully the stories of others will have stuck and help you make educated decisions.
2. When elections come around, if you understand what is happening (I believe strongly there is a connection between environment and cancer, in some cases) you can vote wisely.
3. This is our future. It might seem like just my kid, but it’s not. It’s one of the leading killers of children. And the kids who live through it are left with late effects.
4.  I know of enough kids who have died from the disease, or the diseases they get as a result of treatment. The earlier cancer is caught the better chance a child has. Parents need to be aware it can happen and its typically the last thing your doctor will look for when a child starts showing symptoms. 
5. Because I believe in my son’s vision for cancer to someday be treated like the flu; you take some medicine, your sick for a few days and then you go on with life as normal. This won't become a reality with out funding for research.
6. I hate cancer, but I especially hate it when a kid  gets it.

Today we also met a man who is participating in a St. Jude survivor research project. He had cancer when he was 11. That was 23 years ago. As we both waited for our appointments in the waiting area for physical therapy, we discussed life and moving on. He was a very handsome well spoken man that looked completely normal with his jeans on. His wife, who sat next to him was bubbly,  happy and appeared very supportive. But as he told me his story I learned one of his legs is a prosthetic. He lost it to cancer at the age of 11. Bittersweet, but meetings like this sometimes fill me with hope and sometimes make me so thankful for research and improvements in treatment.

A couple years ago I met a young man who had had the same type of brain tumor as my son, only 20+ years ago. He was obviously mentally challenged. As I spoke to his mom I learned that the dosages that they used to give medulloblastoma kids were much higher then and caused some mental retardation.  My son did not make it out without consequence, but nothing as sever as that mother and son have to live with.

I am so thankful for the improvements made to treatment. We must keep moving forward as the invasive cancer rate for children has increased 29% over the last 20 years. Rare? Hardly feels like it to me. I wish it was more rare; I shouldn't be meeting so many people in my own community affected by childhood cancer.

So I will do my part to raise awareness this month. You can tune it out or participate. I was forced not to tune it out any more.